“You can’t change how people treat you or what they say about you. All you can change is how you react to it.” -Gandhi
You know what is pretty easy in this life? Being broken.
Everyone seems to be broken lately (and I am no means excluding myself here)…but the way in which some people choose to handle their internal struggles in a very external way completely baffles me.
None of us want to feel broken, yet we sit here, day after day, breaking each other — throwing stones. Gossiping, lying, taking advantage of others — I cannot help but wonder, does this make them feel better? We’re wasting too much time on the petty, insignificant bullshit, for the purpose of what? Having the last word? “Winning”? Why?
I’m not claiming to be a saint or anything, but I do try to help people when I can, and provide whatever support I am capable of while attempting to still take care of my own mental stability. Whether it be an ex-boyfriend, an unpredictable “partner”, a friend or even just an acquaintance, I find myself in situations (quite frequently) where people are calling on me for assistance without even considering the fact that they aren’t the only ones on this earth in need of a helping hand. People willing to take as if they were brought into this world to live on some kind of platinum, diamond-encrusted pedestal, but never willing to pay it forward or return a favor. Perhaps it has something to do with my tendency to be quite forward, or that I come across as more “broken” than they are – I am not really sure. But lately its starting to feel like I am a magnet that attracts people who believe in one-sided support, and frankly I’m getting over it.
I pride myself on being a good friend, daughter, sibling, companion…all of that. I try really hard to be caring towards the people I love. I try and assume the best of those I don’t know well enough to love (until proven wrong). We’re all fighting battles here, and if I can help someone with their inner battle, by all means I will try to. But I am no magician…I don’t have some special glue or a blowtorch (thank god) to help meld all of the shattered glass that is “your life”. I am working on piecing together my own broken parts. And frankly I am tired of getting fucked (unless it’s in the good kind of way, of course).
Sometimes I struggle in balancing the fine line that exists between offering favors and being a straight up pushover. I have NEVER been that girl, nor will I let myself become her. So my new goal is to avoid that tightrope…to know when to turn around and walk away.
This is probably one of the more angry posts I have written, and I try to avoid doing so. But this blog isn’t about rainbows and butterflies, and frustration is part of life. My life is no exception. That said, I will end it on a positive note…
Something I learned a few years back is that nobody is going to hold your hand through this life…you are dealt a deck of cards and it is up to you, and you alone, how you choose to play them. People are going to fail you and stab you in the back, but if you keep your heart open, even after it has been broken, you will be surprised to learn that for every 2 or 3 shit people in need of a wake up call, there is at least one who is amazing enough to make up for all of the disappointment. And if that isn’t enough, there’s always Karma…and I know for sure that bitch can bite.
The people who have caused me what I’ve felt to be malicious pain in the past few weeks are likely enduring their own troubles. Troubles much worse than mine. I mean, let’s be real…I am living in Paris, my troubles are few and far between. I have nothing to complain about. And with every betrayal comes a reminder of the type of person I don’t want to be, and the type of people I don’t need to surround myself with.
The harder the hurt, the stronger the lesson learned. The better I become.
p.s. Special thanks to my incredible mother for sending me THIS POST during a time of need. Thank you for reminding me that being “strong-willed” is actually a beautiful thing. We’re the brats whose “fierceness will change the world”. <#