For the record, there is very little planning that goes into my blog posts, and they all mean something to me. These photos were shot after a sleepless night I spent working (I happen to suffer from insomnia), while on a recent road trip up the coast with a very special person who I am lucky to have in my life. My smeared makeup was the result of an unwashed face from the evening before when I got dolled up in over-the-top attire and ate a steak with 3 martinis while watching an older couple conquer the empty dance floor. So much fun.
What you see here is a series of small documentations from real experiences and a glimpse into my weird world.
I shoot on the fly, and wear what I would be wearing if I didn’t have a blog. Yes, you will find a sponsored post here and there, but even though I am dirt ass broke at the moment, I would never promote something insincerely.
I started OnTheRacks almost nine years ago, and it has always been a side project I’ve maintained because I genuinely love it. I will never be the most popular gal on the internet for multiple reasons, one of them being that I’m not willing to sacrifice my authenticity. This is a platform where I can be who I am and share my experiences with likeminded, down-to-earth individuals who might enjoy reading about some crazy girl’s life because, to an extent, it resembles their own. I just want to keep it real and hopefully provide others with a reminder that they are incredible by encouraging self-acceptance…flaws and all. Nobody’s perfect.
Perhaps these photos were wonderfully shot, when the light was just right, and sure, it may look like I am living in a fairytale sometimes. But smoke, mirrors and fine photography aside, this incredible, golden headboard is actually made of plastic, and the hotel is in the middle of nowhere and as kitschy as they come. However, that is what makes it so charming, in my opinion! IMPERFECTION.
The Madonna Inn is about fantasy, themes, and transporting yourself to a different world, where you can temporarily escape reality, with its gaudy decor and imaginary elegance. I am not Marie fucking Antoinette, but I certainly felt like it for a hot second while rolling around in this extravagant bedroom setting, wearing a silk negligee, and being told I am beautiful.
People frequently message me with congratulatory notes about my “success” but, while I do feel proud of my accomplishments to date and am always flattered by the kind words, I still have a long way to go before I’d call it that. We’ll all get there, so long as we remain passionate and willing to work hard.
At the same time, these past few months have been wearing away at my soul for a number of reasons (I’ve touched upon a few of them already here and here). Along with kind comments, I also encounter animosity for “sharing too much”. This is my platform and I don’t feel bad for expressing my emotions, in a respectful, appropriate manner. For those who have felt offended, please know that I am suffocating under a mountain of pain and betrayal, with many details that do remain undisclosed, because I have class, respect, and some dignity (though I was also robbed of quite a bit, to be frank). I am human. And I happen to be a human who is cordial, intelligent, loving, forgiving and thoughtful. I won’t apologize for having a voice. If you don’t want to read what I have to say…don’t.
I like to take the high road, as my amazing parents taught me to do, knowing that not every scenario will work out in my favor. I cannot complain about life – I’m no different from anyone else who faces ongoing, day-to-day hardships. I’ve put my photos and thoughts on the internet for my own reasons, but that doesn’t make me superior, nor does it make me right, per se…but I am still allowed to share them.
When I think about my friends, family, colleagues and even strangers I encounter, I like to believe that we are all innately kind-hearted at our cores, and just trying to get by…we’re doing our best.
As Billy Joel says in the song posted above, “You can’t be everything you want to be before your time.” My friend Liz also describes the message I’m trying to share perfectly in her Instagram bio, “Don’t compare your behind the scenes life with other people’s highlight reel.” So true.
Lately I feel the internet is encouraging a distorted view about what life should be like, rather serving as a platform for inspiration, support, and open conversation – something we need now more than ever. There are many bloggers who post staged content, laced with glitter, portraying a false reality of what life should be. Superiority complexes are masked by illusions of rainbows and butterflies, and updates about cupcakes are hypnotizing followers for the sake of getting that extra “like”. But there are also a handful of content creators who aren’t playing that game. It bums me out that there’s now a stigma attached to the whole thing.
I have a therapist in NYC who I do video chats with on the regs. She keeps me “sane”. A friend asked me the other day if I thought she needed to see a psychologist because she continuously pushes away men and, when meeting new people, she’ll try and and scope out a dark side before looking for their light. She also happens to be one of the most grounded, level-minded people I know, but my answer was a solid “yes”. I feel that all of us can benefit from talking about our lives with someone qualified to provide insights as to why we might be feeling certain things or acting out of character. Sometimes it is hard to pin down what is triggering specific emotions, and it’s good to vocalize what’s going on in our busy minds. Not only to help figure out why you feel a certain ways, but also what you can do to improve and live a happier life. Nobody should feel a need to trap their demons…it’ll only make them multiply. So whether you choose to do so on the internet, with a parent, sibling, friend, behind closed doors with a professional, or all of the above…vent.
I have been going to therapy for as long as I can remember, but it wasn’t until I met the right woman, back when I was living in the City about 3 years ago, that I finally got it. Finding a good shrink is seriously a lot like dating – it took me ages to meet “my match”. But now that I have it’s significantly transformed my general outlook. She’s the reason I started writing (and, sure, sometimes rambling). Now I have a closet filled with journals, and some of the content isn’t even that bad. I’m also working on a bigger literary project as, thanks to her, writing has become my favorite pastime.
To sum it up, remember that you are unique and rad, just as you are. But stay grounded and acknowledge the things you want to improve upon. Don’t stop trying. We all have weaknesses, and the ones who pretend they don’t are probably in a lot more trouble than those who aren’t scared to admit it.
Don’t be ashamed to express yourself! If you’re genuinely happy, awesome and congratulations. But if you want more, don’t settle with where you’re at because that’s where society says you’re supposed to be. Forget the rules. Something or someone good will come along, trust me. If you live with bright eyes, an open heart, ambition, honesty, love (for yourself and others), and an ongoing desire to move forward, eventually the broken pieces will fall into place.
Keep your passion. Keep your pride. Keep on dreaming. And remember that “only fools are satisfied”. You aren’t a fucking fool.